Fuel

So... I've been feeling lethargic again lately, but I'm definitely more disciplined than before. Now, even when I don't feel like doing something, when I'm in the what's-the-point state of mind, I still force myself to complete the necessary steps. That's not to say I don't procrastinate though. I woke up this morning at 10AM, and procrastinated till 1:30PM reading random things.

In class tonight I met a guy named Alex, who was very excitedly telling his friend about a new house painting contract he signed. I talked to him and asked him a load of questions, and even though class ended at 9PM, he was nice enough to let me pick his brain after. Basically he's interning for College Work, which is evidently a lot nicer to its interns than College Pro. They focus on getting jobs in the spring and do the actual painting in the summer. So far he signed 25k of contracts, but the average is in the 40k neighborhood. He interviewed over 20 people before he found a good marketing guy through Craigslist, and he intends to hire his painters the same way. The key thing, he says, is to be honest when setting expectations, because there are so many people on the job market right now, and not everyone of them is okay with working for a 20 year old.

Something Alex has that I don't is leadership/management experience. He says he was in this military thing for 3 years back in high school. At first he tried the nice guy approach, and nothing got done. Then he tried the dictator approach, and nothing got done. It took him a while to find the right balance.

He also told me about his brother's consulting company. What they do exactly is a mystery to me and baffling to him, too, but 3 keywords I remember were streamline, SAP, and credit. His brother taught himself over 6 months and was introduced to the trade by his college roommate.

Through Alex I got a number to another entrepreneurial student named Bill, who is starting his own website is looking for interns. I plan to contact him tomorrow. I really love meeting kids Alex and Bill in college, and I hope and hope and hope that some of these random connections will grow into meaningful relationships in the future. Over all I had a good night. I feel a lot better now about my plans this summer, and talking to Alex paved many hurdles that stemmed my drive before. Lesson of the night: when there's a perplexing problem, don't conclude that the idea isn't workable after all. There's bound to be someone who can tell you the solution.

I need a personal bootcamp sergeant

Hi Allison, I’ve been thinking about Project W&W, refining the details and coming up potential challenges. I wrote down snippets of thoughts from brainstorming, and drew a sketch for a website. The problems don’t worry me much because it’s nature to hit hurdles of unanswerable questions. Today in my ITI Management class we learned about 3 approaches to planning: think-it first, see-it first, and do-it first. I think I’m at the last stage. Think-it was as good as it will ever be without reliable data.

I need to remember to be careful with my money, be diligent and cautious in my decision making, but never be fearful just because of the risk and possible failure involved.

What really REALLY bothers me is that I’ve noticed how I am frustratingly, embarrassingly prone to daydreaming of unfettered success. For example, I would think: “Eventually, after I get the basics running, I should sign up for one of those competitions for young entrepreneurs.” This thought would drift to: “How could I present this effectively to win over the judges?” Then before I know it, I’m daydreaming about winning the competition, building the project into a success, donating money to nonprofit orgs and supporting higher education. I’d be lost, fantasizing about success, making a difference, and grandeur for who knows how long before I snap out of it and return to the task at hand – how do I even begin to promote this? I wish I could focus on the task at hand and take it one step at it time instead of wasting my time being a megalomaniac.

The disparity between who I am and who I want to become is so great that I can’t even list them like you did. I’m terrified that seeing them juxtaposed so clearly before me will cause me to lose hope forever.

Then there’s the usual nagging little voice going “Who are you kidding? You’re not capable of this.” I already feel that doubt digging into the optimism and energy I was determined to put into this. I think I just need to keep moving, set modest goals and keep myself motivated by accomplishing them.

Goal this weekend: Learn CS4 Flash, finish PST website, then begin PW&W website (also finish the paper due Tuesday and making sure it’s top quality).

I’m sitting in NY Penn Station, about to board a train to Boston (50 minutes late). I prone to spend idle hours like this reading and daydreaming, but this time I’m determined to finish the Flash tutorials I preloaded in my browser.

The article I sent you says to record one’s expectations about the future, and that by reviewing these one can pinpoint personal strengths and weaknesses. So… here goes: I expect to finish the tutorials by the end of the trip.

Edit: 4/17

Update on expectation. I don’t know if it was due to caffeine withdraw or reading the tutorial on a shaky train, but by the time I was on section 8 (out of 22), I started getting a headache. I used having a headache as an excuse to stop doing the tutorials, but watched Food Inc (movie) instead. Watching a movie made the headache turn into a migraine, and I was literally tearing for the last hour of the train ride.

I woke up today at 12 to realize that not only did I not finish the tutorials, I had also forgotten to submit 2 paper topics after I arrived. I also missed a phone interview that was suppose to take place today at 10am.

Nick is pretty angry with me for being so irresponsible. I’m angry that I’m so forgetful.

….baahh…..

Edit:

A friend of minej ust sent me JK Rowling's commencement speech at Harvard: http//www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure.html

Also I'm sitting in Boarders burrowing through CS4 Flash books.

Another Spark

Hey. It was strange how you texted me yesterday just as I started to write this:

Most ideas I have come to naught because of this nagging habit of inactivity. I go through the same cycle of unspeakable optimism, happiness, and excitement, then it all stalemates due to the lack of solid planning and consistent action, until the light is choked out and I am once again spiraling down the black hole of doubt, pessimism, self loathing, depression, and indifference. Sometimes this cycle takes a month if the idea is really good, other times it takes but a week, but given how often I come up with random things I’m stuck at one stage or another almost all the time. So far all but a very minor few have resulted in any form of success , and I’ve never failed simply because I’ve never dared to start anything that wasn’t a easy. If I could only form a new habit, put in the hard work, be persistent in brainstorming, be disciplined, be consistent. I could get so much done even if the vast majority of them are bad to begin with.

I’m glad that one idea had just occurred to me literally 20 minutes ago because it is the perfect opportunity to finally document this. I’ll call the idea Project W&W, and I don’t know if this is the beginning of something big or the beginning of another torturous cycle, but this is my journey. I want to keep track of it so that even if I fall to the cycle again I can at least trace back, find the problem and annihilate it.

Project W&W gives me hope because when I broached it with Nick and Dan, I found that they instantly liked it. So far the only time a potential endeavor received such a solid, positive feedback was ISYR and “eLance.” It’s extraordinary to me how literally just 20 minutes ago I was on the bottom of the pit of despair, feeling utterly hopeless and worthless to the point that the only solace came from being indifferent to the present stalemate; and I’ve been unmotivated and lethargic all week. The idea came to me from trying to solve an unrelated dilemma, and when I casually texted Nick about it, he gave me a modestly positive reply. I sat on the edge of my bed, staring vacantly out the window. Slowly the idea formed, I smoothed over questions and problems by drawing from the car rental and exterminator experiences. Then the idea was whole and seemed perfectly possible and full of potential. Dan walked in, I pitched the now more perfectly formed plan, and he liked it!

Now, I feel so happy - exhilarated - partially because it is so rare to get such a feedback from Dan. Usually I suffer these very cautiously formulated veto from him , and indeed from all my friends (sometimes they use the word entrepreneurial just to be nice. They’d pat me on the back and indulgently, like a parent to a wishful child, say “You’re such a entrepreneur”).

Of course even with this auspicious start the matter is all but certain. It’ll be difficult, and when it comes to idea versus execution, the latter is vastly more important.

Things I need to work on:

Dreamer: all thinking no action, and on the off chance that I act upon my thoughts the enthusiasm

fizzles out. Which brings me to…

Lack Consistency and Persistence

Fear of Failure: I’m afraid of being judged if I fail, and that makes me prone to doubt myself. It’s easier

to dream of grandeur and leave my abilities untested.

The goal, the implausible dream: to become a multimillionaire by 30.

I need to remember:

Excellence is a habit

Better the man whose face is marred by dust and sweat, than those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Even thought College Pro didn’t work out, “wasted” a lot of my time and induced a fair share of stress, it led me to shape Project W&W. I guess something I always have to remember is that doing anything is better than doing nothing, because even if you seemingly hit a dead end, or wasted your time on an ephemeral project, you’ve made connections and learned valuable information along that way that can contribute to the next thing.

I decided to post this today because I know 100% that I want to and need to do this (thank you for the opportunity btw). Just from reading your last entry, I feel that you're already on your journey, and that you're learning somethings about yourself already. Interestingly, I'm currently reading a homework assignment that's promoting exactly what we're doing. I think you might find it an interesting read. Harvard Busines Review Article: http://www.sld.cu/galerias/pdf/sitios/revsalud/managing_oneself.pdf

Where I stand

So before we get into the fun emotional stuff I decided that an update of my current season and goals would probably be a good idea. After coming back from surgery I was able to start throwing in January, which was a bit late for the indoor season, but earlier than I had expected. Shot put is the only indoor throwing event and the season was really just spent getting back on my feet and getting mentally prepared. My throws were not stellar, but the mental aspect of my game improved tremendously.

Fast forward to spring season and we add in the discus. This has always been my favorite, though I tried to deny it for a few years because Katie Kent was so great at it and I wanted to be the best at something. Since I was always better at shot put that her, I made it my main event last year despite my great improvements in the disc and my stagnate performance in the shot. However, now that she is gone I have reclaimed the disc and am already making it my event again.

We have had three meets this season already. My performance in the shot put continues to be consistently under 10 meters (my personal record or P.R. is 10.39, but that was last year before the knee injury). I was hoping to reach 12.19m (40ft) this season, but I am having a very hard time and at this point know that its essentially impossible. What I have not given up on is the school record of 10.61m. So we shall see how it goes.

The discus, on the other hand, is going very well. In the three meets that I have competed in I have not place lower than 4th. The two that I placed 4th in were large scale meets with over 20 throwers and the one that I place 2nd in was much smaller (only 8 throwers). All of my throws have been consistently over 100 feet despite the cold/windy weather and on my best day I got a personal record of 112' 5''. My practices are going very well and I believe that yesterday I actually threw at least 115 if not 120. My goals for the disc are to get the school record (119' 3") and to qualify for nationals (136' 2").

These are some lofty goals, but I know that I am on my way. The mental aspect of my throws has also tremendously improved. I am more relaxed and focused when I throw now and it is pretty amazing. Just you wait it will all work out. It is funny because the post before this one (4/12) was actually written in Feb. and in it I wrote that I was going to throw 40meeters. At the time I was thinking about shot put and 40m in shot put is just a completely impossible thought even for an Olympian. I guess I didn't know it at the time, but I was already setting myself up for discus. I will be hitting 40m and actually I will be hitting 41.5m so that I can go to Columbus, Oh in May to compete in the Division III National Track and Field Championships. Can't Wait!!! The journey has been and will continue to bee mind blowing.

The Beginning

So it is decided and it may be crazy, but I want to do it. I want to go for my out there, impossible dream. It may take 6 years or even 10, but I am going to be an Olympian. I know it seems impossible, but after the last couple weeks I have had with coach disputes and the start of the 2010 winter Olympics, I can't help but have a fire lit under me.

My first step is to achieve my goal of hitting 40 meters this year. Its a long shot already, but it must be done. What is going to be important is the mental game. It is my biggest weakness and I have yet to figure out how to fix it. Dan thinks I need to see a counselor, and though he is probably right I can't bring myself to do it just for a sport. I don't want to have regrets, but I think I can figure this out on my own. Its all about self esteem and that is something that I have talked to a counselor about several times before. So now I am going to figure it out not necessarily on my own, but with the help of whatever community is out there willing to help. This means that if you are reading this right now, you are part of that community and I am willing to accept your help.

So now I begin:

I think I need to start with a few questions that I had a very hard time answering a few years ago when they were fired at me 5x each in a row within seconds.

Who am I?
Who do I pretend to be?
Who do I want to be?

When I first did this exercise I found myself using almost all the same words to answer all three questions. Needless to say this threw off the person asking me the questions and they responded by saying "I think you are very confused." This was certainly an accurate description of my freshman college self and to this memory always sticks out in my mind.

Fast forward to today and I am not sure I would find this task any easier. I kind of feel like I still had it right. Although the words I choose may describe who I am, I sometimes feel like I am pretending to be that person and I certainly want to be that person. I know this sounds weird, but I believe that I am this word, yet pretend to be it because I have not yet fulfilled my potential and at the same time its not a quality that I want to give up, so I still want to be that person, but better. I guess in my mind there is always room for improvement (I know that this is one of my weaknesses).

So for the purposes of the entry:

Who am I? A child of God
Who am I? A loving person
Who am I? An Athlete
Who am I? A Reliable Friend/ Person
Who am I? A Humble Person

Who do I pretend to be?A Person with a good relationship with God
Who do I pretend to be? A strong athlete
Who do I pretend to be? A Reliable Friend/Person
Who do I pretend to be? A Hard Worker
Who do I pretend to be? A Humble Person

Who do I want to be? A follower of God's will
Who do I want to be? A Loving Person
Who do I want to be?An Olympian
Who do I want to be? A Reliable Friend/ Person
Who do I want to be? A Humble Person

So there it is. They all look the same I know, but I really can't see the difference between the three. Maybe this is one of my weaknesses. I didn't answer in rapid fire succession the way I was asked to the first time and in truth I think that there are many other ways I could have answered this and still have been honest, however I think that these answers are most relate-able to where I am now and what I want to accomplish.