Most ideas I have come to naught because of this nagging habit of inactivity. I go through the same cycle of unspeakable optimism, happiness, and excitement, then it all stalemates due to the lack of solid planning and consistent action, until the light is choked out and I am once again spiraling down the black hole of doubt, pessimism, self loathing, depression, and indifference. Sometimes this cycle takes a month if the idea is really good, other times it takes but a week, but given how often I come up with random things I’m stuck at one stage or another almost all the time. So far all but a very minor few have resulted in any form of success , and I’ve never failed simply because I’ve never dared to start anything that wasn’t a easy. If I could only form a new habit, put in the hard work, be persistent in brainstorming, be disciplined, be consistent. I could get so much done even if the vast majority of them are bad to begin with.
I’m glad that one idea had just occurred to me literally 20 minutes ago because it is the perfect opportunity to finally document this. I’ll call the idea Project W&W, and I don’t know if this is the beginning of something big or the beginning of another torturous cycle, but this is my journey. I want to keep track of it so that even if I fall to the cycle again I can at least trace back, find the problem and annihilate it.
Project W&W gives me hope because when I broached it with Nick and Dan, I found that they instantly liked it. So far the only time a potential endeavor received such a solid, positive feedback was ISYR and “eLance.” It’s extraordinary to me how literally just 20 minutes ago I was on the bottom of the pit of despair, feeling utterly hopeless and worthless to the point that the only solace came from being indifferent to the present stalemate; and I’ve been unmotivated and lethargic all week. The idea came to me from trying to solve an unrelated dilemma, and when I casually texted Nick about it, he gave me a modestly positive reply. I sat on the edge of my bed, staring vacantly out the window. Slowly the idea formed, I smoothed over questions and problems by drawing from the car rental and exterminator experiences. Then the idea was whole and seemed perfectly possible and full of potential. Dan walked in, I pitched the now more perfectly formed plan, and he liked it!
Now, I feel so happy - exhilarated - partially because it is so rare to get such a feedback from Dan. Usually I suffer these very cautiously formulated veto from him , and indeed from all my friends (sometimes they use the word entrepreneurial just to be nice. They’d pat me on the back and indulgently, like a parent to a wishful child, say “You’re such a entrepreneur”).
Of course even with this auspicious start the matter is all but certain. It’ll be difficult, and when it comes to idea versus execution, the latter is vastly more important.
Things I need to work on:
Dreamer: all thinking no action, and on the off chance that I act upon my thoughts the enthusiasm
fizzles out. Which brings me to…
Lack Consistency and Persistence
Fear of Failure: I’m afraid of being judged if I fail, and that makes me prone to doubt myself. It’s easier
to dream of grandeur and leave my abilities untested.
The goal, the implausible dream: to become a multimillionaire by 30.
I need to remember:
Excellence is a habit
Better the man whose face is marred by dust and sweat, than those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Even thought College Pro didn’t work out, “wasted” a lot of my time and induced a fair share of stress, it led me to shape Project W&W. I guess something I always have to remember is that doing anything is better than doing nothing, because even if you seemingly hit a dead end, or wasted your time on an ephemeral project, you’ve made connections and learned valuable information along that way that can contribute to the next thing.
I decided to post this today because I know 100% that I want to and need to do this (thank you for the opportunity btw). Just from reading your last entry, I feel that you're already on your journey, and that you're learning somethings about yourself already. Interestingly, I'm currently reading a homework assignment that's promoting exactly what we're doing. I think you might find it an interesting read. Harvard Busines Review Article: http://www.sld.cu/galerias/pdf/sitios/revsalud/managing_oneself.pdf
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